New horizons to pleasure when treated to thrill.

I had a bit of trouble lately, so why not air that out for you all to read? So, there I was, in a place known as forever, and I couldn't help but notice how terrible I had been treating myself, behind closed doors. Things just unfold, you know? And it's almost not until hindsight that you can look beyond or behind you, or both in this case and say... Oops. Sorry self, for all that terribly unconstructive, deconstructive, humiliating self judgement. Anyone else with me on this? I mean, who says things like this to themselves? I think I don't know where I put my faith, when I'm terrible inside my head. I think I forget that I am a part of everything that exists, when I'm forcing myself into a corner. I thought it wasn't my fault. "Hey, God must have MADE me this way." Now I see, it was kinda, me. It was totally me! Also, that place I like to put my faith and listen, is also me, so if I can generate enough awareness that I still need to learn, then I can see, that rough place was just, me learning, something. Something big. I learned that, through hardship, we can see where we are trying to shine. I was shy. Wanted to speak. That one's easy, but, what about when I'm deeply alone in every sense? Trying to be with people? Or! Trying to release my patterns of depression so I can actually enjoy people. For me, that was it. So, I sat, literally, for hours, days, months and years. Two years of solid inner contemplation. Almost. I still had friends, but rarely. I still accomplished work, but it was changing. I needed to change for real this time, and not go back. I needed for the pendulum swing to not swing. To stop, for long enough to recharge to the Kingdom within. Because, inside that castle, pendulums are swinging for another reason all together. The other reason is for vision. For quest. For sharing, and for art. My old pendulum swung from depression to anger. To settle to, inner contemplation. How brave when you're trying to learn that inner worlds speak volumes, louder than outside projections. And then, once that plan solidified, projection is from peace. Wow. Not only wow, but, wait. Wait, because, for me, waiting was good. Okay, so I was alone a lot and even when people were near. I was alone in my deprivation for a reason. For a strong reason that if I released myself willingly, I could join the tribe again and feel honourable. Not exiled. It was my own exile of course, no one to blame. Most won't even have seen it, I hid it so well. But, I want to share it for the reason that it meant so much to me to come back out of it, and see the Kingdom all around me too. The world of finance, healthy, or healing. The trucks and the pollution, through a different lens. That we still need to cherish ourselves from our states of imperfection or, that pendulum is going to want to swing again. And again until you see, I see, we see, that we are in this thing together. Spirit, family alliance, friendships, clients, ancestry, and animal realms, I need you all. To be a part of my vision. For art. For wealth, and for fun. Spirit is fun. Art, fun. You, me together, laughing in a day just like forever, call it what you will, but I see newness. I see clarity and vision. I see our ancestors worked hard on this reality to give it to us. And to forgive ourselves for how that unfolded is now. And the trucks and the pollution can stay, for now, because my trigger will be someone else's goal. What to repattern in a world that seems to unfold anyway? I can only change my perception and judgement of all that, and become what I see as better. And with no one else to blame, that is going to cause a deep sense of worth in my life. For me. Projecting self worth and prayer, is my dream. If that is my own reality, then let another have their own. Freedom is my peace and choice. Freedom to change myself and have a voice. Freedom to speak from here and there, and freedom to teach what I have seen through art. Through poetry and written word. Freedom of speech is my new found freedom, and I didn't see that coming, so what is next? Next might be, a trip to the island to see my long lost love. Or a dance with my sister in some way. Who knows? I don't, but I will when I get there. Alignment to what ever choice is right now is freedom. The realization that there is no crime in not knowing where to go from here. Don't I know it, I needed courage to walk into the abyss for a while. Sometimes courage is all you can do. Sometimes you have no other way. You can't go back, so courage would be your only choice. If  your life wants to make it that obvious, then, well I choose to hear that. And go into it. Difficult, yes. Easy just after too. Guidance will have to show us through that pain to find the gift, not around it. Finding comfort in difficulty is easier when you know the pattern will cease. We can relearn how to pattern ourselves. We can remember. I can do this through channeling and art, but we can all achieve this through our own gifts. We already do. We might just not have noticed. There's my rant for today, but I want to post this to more advantageous and thrilling experiences. So, I choose to be brave once more and say, I also want to align to comfort in thrill. Oh no, I'm about to say something true for me and post it. Yes, that has fear in my heart, but a healing as well. I choose that for me. To say, here I am, here I stand, I don't know what the hell is happening, but, I sure am curious as to what the hell is next. And, I want to share that we weren't meant to know, by my standards. We were meant to share that we belong to the mystery. We belong to spirit and ancestry. We belong to truth.