I had a bit of trouble lately, so why not air that out for you all to read? So, there I was, in a place known as forever, and I couldn't help but notice how terrible I had been treating myself, behind closed doors. Things just unfold, you know? And it's almost not until hindsight that you can look beyond or behind you, or both in this case and say... Oops. Sorry self, for all that terribly unconstructive, deconstructive, humiliating self judgement. Anyone else with me on this? I mean, who says things like this to themselves? I think I don't know where I put my faith, when I'm terrible inside my head. I think I forget that I am a part of everything that exists, when I'm forcing myself into a corner. I thought it wasn't my fault. "Hey, God must have MADE me this way." Now I see, it was kinda, me. It was totally me! Also, that place I like to put my faith and listen, is also me, so if I can generate enough awareness that I still need to learn, then I can see, that rough place was just, me learning, something. Something big. I learned that, through hardship, we can see where we are trying to shine. I was shy. Wanted to speak. That one's easy, but, what about when I'm deeply alone in every sense? Trying to be with people? Or! Trying to release my patterns of depression so I can actually enjoy people. For me, that was it. So, I sat, literally, for hours, days, months and years. Two years of solid inner contemplation. Almost. I still had friends, but rarely. I still accomplished work, but it was changing. I needed to change for real this time, and not go back. I needed for the pendulum swing to not swing. To stop, for long enough to recharge to the Kingdom within. Because, inside that castle, pendulums are swinging for another reason all together. The other reason is for vision. For quest. For sharing, and for art. My old pendulum swung from depression to anger. To settle to, inner contemplation. How brave when you're trying to learn that inner worlds speak volumes, louder than outside projections. And then, once that plan solidified, projection is from peace. Wow. Not only wow, but, wait. Wait, because, for me, waiting was good. Okay, so I was alone a lot and even when people were near. I was alone in my deprivation for a reason. For a strong reason that if I released myself willingly, I could join the tribe again and feel honourable. Not exiled. It was my own exile of course, no one to blame. Most won't even have seen it, I hid it so well. But, I want to share it for the reason that it meant so much to me to come back out of it, and see the Kingdom all around me too. The world of finance, healthy, or healing. The trucks and the pollution, through a different lens. That we still need to cherish ourselves from our states of imperfection or, that pendulum is going to want to swing again. And again until you see, I see, we see, that we are in this thing together. Spirit, family alliance, friendships, clients, ancestry, and animal realms, I need you all. To be a part of my vision. For art. For wealth, and for fun. Spirit is fun. Art, fun. You, me together, laughing in a day just like forever, call it what you will, but I see newness. I see clarity and vision. I see our ancestors worked hard on this reality to give it to us. And to forgive ourselves for how that unfolded is now. And the trucks and the pollution can stay, for now, because my trigger will be someone else's goal. What to repattern in a world that seems to unfold anyway? I can only change my perception and judgement of all that, and become what I see as better. And with no one else to blame, that is going to cause a deep sense of worth in my life. For me. Projecting self worth and prayer, is my dream. If that is my own reality, then let another have their own. Freedom is my peace and choice. Freedom to change myself and have a voice. Freedom to speak from here and there, and freedom to teach what I have seen through art. Through poetry and written word. Freedom of speech is my new found freedom, and I didn't see that coming, so what is next? Next might be, a trip to the island to see my long lost love. Or a dance with my sister in some way. Who knows? I don't, but I will when I get there. Alignment to what ever choice is right now is freedom. The realization that there is no crime in not knowing where to go from here. Don't I know it, I needed courage to walk into the abyss for a while. Sometimes courage is all you can do. Sometimes you have no other way. You can't go back, so courage would be your only choice. If your life wants to make it that obvious, then, well I choose to hear that. And go into it. Difficult, yes. Easy just after too. Guidance will have to show us through that pain to find the gift, not around it. Finding comfort in difficulty is easier when you know the pattern will cease. We can relearn how to pattern ourselves. We can remember. I can do this through channeling and art, but we can all achieve this through our own gifts. We already do. We might just not have noticed. There's my rant for today, but I want to post this to more advantageous and thrilling experiences. So, I choose to be brave once more and say, I also want to align to comfort in thrill. Oh no, I'm about to say something true for me and post it. Yes, that has fear in my heart, but a healing as well. I choose that for me. To say, here I am, here I stand, I don't know what the hell is happening, but, I sure am curious as to what the hell is next. And, I want to share that we weren't meant to know, by my standards. We were meant to share that we belong to the mystery. We belong to spirit and ancestry. We belong to truth.
I am willing to be frank on my own website. If you will have chosen to look here, then you might understand that I once was not willing to say very much, which as of late has exploded to becoming an author, a poet and a channel. So, it turns out I was finding a voice. The voice. My voice. How happy and relaxing. Well, it also turns out that a lot of my life now is lead by my inner realm, my peace within, my spiritual guidance. Therefore I will be blessed when I move through my pain and into some virtue. The virtue of today will be my talent to draw. To draw my inner world as a virtue, and say it without confliction, and boldly at that. I find that bold holds, as it does with tattoos. Right? So if I say something powerful, will you read it the way I meant it? How gentle can love be when it's demanding attention? Love isn't always gentle when someone needs to be rescued, or a slave to society needs more money but isn't willing to slave. So how will I achieve my goal toward financial freedom and share it? Well, I hope to sell my poetry. I believe the rights to it are ongoing.
I shall like to sell my art, my custom tattoos again, in time. I want to do it all but without the burnout this time. That was rough. I didn't fare well working in a world where burn out is normal. So I won't do that. Spiritual guidance will call to some better idea, that I'm not used to. That I don't understand, so I trust and go for it. As I write this post I will something toward me using talent in return. Shouting proudly from the mountain tops, I want to live with my sister Jenna in Nanaimo a while, and travel to Vancouver to work alongside the Rainfire team. It is the nicest part of life, living with a sibling when you're old enough to appreciate it. And we have so much life to go. We weren't close until recently, a 16 year age gap left a large part of our lives in separation. For no reason other than my rambling ways and her youth. I would love to say we were close but, now that we are back together in our adulthood, well it didn't seem to skip a beat. So, I want to live there and work online as an oracle, and with the wind in my sails, work once monthly at Rainfire. This will allow for the timeline of rest and art. As if art wasn't there already, but I mean it. I paint from the place I channel. I draw from there too, and I need space for that. No more healing, just free to live again. This is one piece I would love to dedicate to the spirit of family. The choice would be to tattoo it in Vancouver. April would be best. On the wings of doves, carry them to me, the ones with hearts that align to truth. From there let's dance with legacy. One more thing to add, I want to speak to you in a gift beforehand if you choose this piece in Vancouver. I will add in a commission to my work as a healer and give you a free online session. This can be a phone call or skype and will help heal any wounds you might be tending to, emotionally, spiritually, or within art. Become a written document to your own inner truth and from there we stay in the sidelines, working toward a happier future and blessing the ground around us as we walk free. Triumph and sanity can go hand in hand if we rest and work when it's right. I'm only just learning that so, don't quote me yet, but I'll tell you how it goes.
Be well, dear hearts, it's a long journey home.
Well, there we have it. All the love in the entire universe and only one way out. Through. Through the cosmic mess and into oblivion. Through where you thought you wanted to be, and where you have come to, for now. And to what extent? Where are we off to? There seems to want to be some common goal. Well, to put that to shame, I can't see it. What I really want or where I'm headed. I know what I want right now, but as for tomorrow? I can kind of guess. I sort of know what I will want. Ish. Ish, meaning I knowish. I wantish. I think I want that unless you tell me a better thing I might have.
Except, with love. I don't want a better you. Or a better me, really. I think I do sometimes when I'm sick or upset. Or I think I could have done better. But, I wouldn't want to change you, or me. I'd rather just speak of peace and from truth. I'd rather just share more of what I do want and go on from here. If we can't really control anything, and just need to choose again, then, why not rest into it, and relax. Hope for the best and reach for it constantly. Then, when whatever happens takes shape, you'll know it's what was meant for you. So, instead of struggling to be consistent, I'd rather be bold. And if you want to speak up, I would love to hear it! Because I want to be heard. And seen. For the parts of me that I love. I think that might mean loving and showing the parts I've been trying to hide. If I'm bold and you don't want to hear it, then I hope you run and hide. Because I will not back down.
I love what everyone wants the most, really. I love for you what you love for you. I will not bash down your door with my love. But if I love you enough and you're hiding, I might. But, I'll bring you a smile or your favourite dessert. If you want company in your mess, why not reach out? Why not be willing to? And for that matter, why not reach out to someone who isn't willing that you know needs a friend? Are they going to respond? Maybe not, but at least they know you're there. For when they do want a hug. And. For my last scenario, I was the friend who wanted to run and hide, but now I've flipped my switch. To being the instigator of love. Which side is better? They're both lonely.
At least we have forever to figure this out. And at least I can trust that I won't hide this time. That the sun will come out and shine again. If there is truth in it, it will become real.
For some who were not hiding, this won't be true. But for me, I'm just coming out of hiding to see a hiding world. And, I want to create a balance within that. So if I use my voice in strength, maybe someone else will want to hang out. To see what we can do with love today. To see how we want our vision this time. And to stand around and laugh about our bigger cosmic aspects. That we came here to dance, and not fight. So let the dance begin and cause such a stir that it becomes loud with laughter. Let's cause our cues to become, sshhh be quiet I've had enough fun for today, rather than, I hate what I've become and need to drink and hide. That was me for a while, and now I want to say this one more thing.
I wanted you there with me, more than you'll ever know.
I woke up this morning in disguise as a mother who is terrified. The day is young, I woke up before 4am. My guides are saying, sit and write. It's the last thing I want to do. I'd rather run to something or somewhere. It's like I had a bad dream and it didn't go away. For reference of what happened last night, I received an open heart prayer. A nidra yoga repatterning exercise. It was beautifully lead by my friend and co-talent, Tayama. Her words hit my soul. And now I am this. But she still has no idea what she did. I don't seem to know either. All I can say is what I do know. During a yoga nidra channeling, you will receive a sankalpa, which is a new belief that serves your unity in some way. It is a very relaxing way to pray and meditate in a group. I remember another time, it was just this powerful, but it took its time. This day, I feel it worked all at once. So I woke up as though I was dying, or had lost something that I thought I had loved. Very intense morning. I am learning so much newness that my old tendencies are almost gone. I don't really claim to see any part of me that I was. I want to write this here, to make it so. As though words, when read by others will help manifest a thing. My manifestation is that I need a home. I want to live with my sister, and to afford that I need to write and sell art. I love these words because it frees me of any sense of unworthiness to a task ahead. There is no right or wrong in this world? Well I choose to struggle for nothing. If you have time to read my written content then allow me to offer you something. A page from my deepest collection. My newsletter is going to reach all those who've signed up, and in it, I will be offering a guided class, hosting the talent of many authors of light. Saints and spirit guides are beckoning the recognition of art as mastery through me. I have chosen it too. What that actually means is I want to teach a class, and I want to call it, Finding your way home through art.
I've learned about ancient esoteric imagery and how it can speak to you while you draw or paint. And the reason it holds so much strength is that this imagery is already everywhere. If you can tap into what jumps out to you already, then you'll start to see patterns in your life. It's not all that 'out there' as it may sound. It poses strength to irony.
Having said that, that is why I woke up feeling like a mother without a place. I have something I want to share, this creation and I need to have a place for it.
Feel into that, and help me see what is next.
Hello, I want to write about my way of life. I have encountered it in the last few years, maybe a decade. It took that long to become, what I am, as far as an entrepreneur of light. I offer my legacy as a channel to those in need of a spiritual touch. And the rest that follows a session can be incredible. Rest is a deep association to my way of existing. It must be so, otherwise you might not come from the trance of truth. In any case that I feel stressed, or overwhelm, or burdensome in some form, I would need to reset. So I do that often. Sometimes it takes a day if I've been at it a while. But for the most part, it takes a moment, here or there to create the web of approval back to my heart space. If something feels out of alignment, it's just, realigned. Here's why. We have a gift, humans, all of us do. We have the ability to grow. To achieve more. And to want it. We want to grow more happy, more loved. We want more peace and we also need more, things. More stuff, clothes for a better wardrobe. Food for a better habit. Life costs things. It has no cost if you let it be from heart space. As though, the money would come to you for the things when your heart is full. But, if your heart is still full, then you will need to empty it. The things that are emptied become what you offer. So, sometimes there's work and sometimes there's rest, depending on if you're heart is full. At present, my heart is very full, so it's spilling out the sides a little. I'm also trying to attract attention to it so people will want to share the offerings. I am going to post this to instagram and see what happens.
Feel free to reply.
I haven't received some blasphemous excuse to say something until it's said. Then I have no reason to wish anything except that it's seen. Why do I wish it to be seen even though I don't know why? The mystery schools showed up. In my life. Telling me what is better for me. So I listened. And it was. And now I think I want to share it. Because the mystery schools carry wisdom and never shame. So I wanted more. I love truth. So much. So much that I cry. I cry when I hear this sonnet. I cry when a child is born and can't live and I cry when I feel heartbreak that doesn't go away about it. It never goes away. The heartbreak of what happened to the child, and the feeling of blood curdling truth. All of it. I used to picture the mystery schools as some occult room where death is toiled. But now I see its ancestry and imagery. Pyramids built on top of divine reckless endeavours. As though there was something holding it all up. What holds what up? And who tends to the child who couldn't see their life through? It's us. It's all us. We did all of it. We are the wisdom in the mystery school, and the child lives on somewhere within that.
As I know these blogs will only get bolder, I want to warn you that this is not the hottest topic I will relate. I'm just working up to more compassion. More love to what's real here. And more saintly humans that walk around, kissing the ground we've been given.
My prayer for more is here.
I also pray, even more deeply, that the child is free to live.
What break? Did you know that as I start writing these I have no idea what I'm about to say? It's like that in my channeled sessions too. Sometimes a guide will tell me, 'this is going to be soft.' Or 'you're about to rock someones world.' But, rarely ever do I hear it before, or think of it after, unless it was so beautiful that it lingers. It often is, so I'll recollect for another hour and then it's gone. Also, I feel it. Like it's happening through me. That's why I believe it so deeply. That said, I wanted to offer what it is. It sounds like poetry, written specifically for you. And that sounds nice. It also feels like a gentle massage to your aura. As if energy was being removed from all the right places. At the end of the session you'll feel good. And in your life, there will have been a shift, or two, or many. Just depends on you. So each one is tailored to suit. So are the group sessions, which are called classes. The reason they are called that is because they tie in a deep lesson. Maybe one or a few, depends on you. So it's a class, but it's still specific to you. As well, you will have demanded something of it, personally. So you will receive something that I know nothing of. That is the part where I trust. That you received just what you need. And! Yes, there is more, miraculously. And, there's a theatre present. How ever many of your spiritual sides and guides flood the stage to say things through my channel. But all of this is responded through mere sentences. I think if it were the old ages, I'd be burned at the stake. So for fears sake, I'd say the world is now ready to hear truth in as many ways as possible. Not through the voice of a witch, but through the heart of an ancient practise. Biblical at times, but always poetic.
Here on Earth we have our choices. Some meaningful and some with not so much meaning at all. But I know that each of us are always on an onward path. And who knows what will happen along the way. The one thing I do know, is, I'll see you there. Where ever 'there' is. The path is long, and seems to be wide. We're all on it.
Walking each other home.
For some reason, I woke up today in a rush. At 5 am there is not reason for rush, especially given the fact that I have no commitments until midday. So what is this sense of urgency? I know it well. You might too. It's a deep feeling like something is wrong, and you've forgotten to tend to something. Like, if you look away, it's all going to fall apart.
The mess of it. That feeling. And try as you might, you can never quite find it. Checking all your boxes, it all seems correct. It's because you can't see it. You can only feel it. Something deeply out of order. No use to judge it either, so it just fades over the day and you're distracted enough by the order of things. That seems to make it better. But at the end of the day, lying in bed, if you're awake for it, that feeling will muster again. You know it? I wanted to point it out for a reason. If you tend to it, and listen. If you have the courage to ask the feeling a question, it will indeed speak. It won't be comfortable, I promise you. But the discomfort won't last, and if you just give it it's moment, and let it move through you, without judgement. It might look like a fear, something from the past, but I'll remind you, it's just a story. A removable imprint that wants to urge you toward it. So that you can be free. If you've ever wondered where your spiritual guidance is, you'll be sure to find it within that very feeling. And with commitment, you'll uncover depth, love and spiritual reverence. This is my way through it. Feel free to comment on any revelations you might have had.
Hi friends, allies, triumphant beings of light. Co workers, team mates, dream operators, and all the others whom I have not named. I'm trying to cover all my bases, but there are so many. I like blog posts because you can say something small and it can mean so much. So to conclude I will try. I am going to say a small thing and see how big it can be.
I want to share another part of me, through an introduction to it. It is a short video, where I paint a picture. There is a lesson in the video. The video itself is ten minutes or so. There is script written within its document, and a recorded message to go with it. If you see it, let me know on here, what you think. I want to say this. I want to say these words and boldly.
From mess to magic.
When you feel like it's time for something, to happen. Something big. Like the coming of age. Or a big concert, maybe that you are starring in. Something that you've been leading up to. The tide washes out, just before.
And just before the big wave comes in to replace it, you can see nothing a while. It's as though, nothing, has been around me for days. Maybe a month. Come to think of my recent past, I've been very alone in the midst of it all.
I'm coming to see that there is a reason for it, although I don't fully know the total expression of it. I have my psychic abilites, so I have a wind of it. But, the tide has not yet shown back up, so I still wait. Nothing moves. It must be a big wave, I'm thinking. I'm thinking this, also, because my guides, sort of tell me. They tend to my sadness of being alone. They tell me, cherish these days, they won't last forever. And I do try. They are nice. I'm not working a whole lot yet, apart from my new 9-5 of writing constantly, meditating constantly. Operating in a new way, in all parts of my life. I guess I had to let go of some old habits to create new ones. It wasn't easy. I lost a lot of my will.
I think I'm gaining access to something new in it's absence. The will of the divine. It is much bolder than mine, much stronger. Also more loving. I find myself writing poetry. Drawing pictures only from prayers. Loving myself more through the words I speak to others. It is truly sweet. I wouldn't say I miss my old patterns, it's just, when you suddenly do a 180, things move swift. And in order for me to feel comfortable, I wish others to move along with me. However, they don't. Everyone has their tides at different moments of their lives. I'm sure everyone has them just as often just as big and wide. I only wonder, if when my tide finally rolls in, who else will be on it?
Or will I be the only sail in my sea?
Opening up to see the light.
Dear ones, this will have been my first blog post of many. I hope it suits you well to know that, at this time, I am in Kitsilano, Vancouver. I am beginning again. I will be sending out a newsletter often, so if you had signed up for Alana the tattoo artist, know now that it is remaining, but also alongside Alana the channel.
I will also say that, for some time, I have been procrastinating my blog till now! So come one come all and feel what I have been privileged to have learned. It is continual as well, so check in often for new content.
Here is what I will describe for day 1. Business as usual, I was up before the sun came up, channeling and singing into what is to come.
My vision is this. A set of agreements to myself that I will,
1) Speak up
2) Say it with heart
3) Invite others to comment as well
4) Conclude that there will be, no conclusion to these never ending tides.
From there, I begin.
Today is not only the first day of my blog, but also the first day I will publish it. No surprise to me, I have no idea how this will be done. I guess I'm about to see.
Thank you to the spirit realm, and guides Saint Francis Assisi for my deep lesson today in the tricks the minds can play when the heart isn't watching.
The heart is not always watching, you see. But it is always aware of something. Today my heart wanted me to play deeper, challenge softer. And speak more. Today is the day I start.
And since I have already begun much before this new website has, there will be a lot to unfold.
For now I leave you with this prayer.
Have heart, dear traveller, that you are the one you need the most. Never regret the past, for it has brought you the present, and will assist in your future. Never deny your short comings, for they may be the path toward your rareness. Your uniqueness is always a gift, no matter how brave you have yet to be.
In Light, yours,
St. Francis Assisi